hustlin like i pay rent .

i've got  a job, im on my grind & i get a weekly income of enough money to cover my bills, neccesities (i can't spell this word for shit) & whomever else. im okay with where i am right now minus the absense of a piece of paper that i need to get, but have no idea how to. in a way im scared because i know i have motivation issues. i had no motivation to do it a year ago & idknow if i will now. but i know that in order to go where i want to go - i need to get it so..thats pretty much the end of that controversy between my brain & my nerves.  as a whole, i consider my self to be a giving person - too giving sometimes; well all the time. i give more than i get but i don't exactly complain except kick myself in the ass - a lot. well heres the situation - i think a girl is cute; & shes definitley not the girl i normally am getting at but something about her personality, attitude & her killer smile that carrys a front/wall like a soldier makes me want to get to know her. nothing more. why nothing more? because well - shes taken. & as far as i've seen, noticed & observed, its gonna be for a good damn while if not forever eva? so i fell back. but i still wanna get to know her - on a bradah level. but more than half of my gut says thats gonna either be mission impossible or extremely hard to do - & i hate bullshit so here i am just observing from a distance & putting an occasional "how you doin" into there. (ps. this is the ds girl.) but other than all the love crap i've just explained. work has been work. my job is definitley not the job i planned on having nor did i think it was a job i could ever do. but i am, i just don't like the rush. but at the end of every shift i take a breath of relief like i made it & idknow if thats a good thing or a bad thing. but im still searching for my dream job. so nexxxxtttt subject. NEXT WEEK FRIDAY IS CHRISTMAS ! & for the first time in AGESSS ! i have money to buy presents ! im soo excited for friday since i have the day off & i have family coming over. we all did secret santa, we're having familia from everywhere come over &! just it kinda feels like christmas this year. its been an amazing year ! i've come out of the biggest heartbreak i've ever faced, i fell in love with someone who became my everything & i fell back out safely & i got a job, & im gonna go after my dreamsss ! im young, naive & just a little dreamy but baby i've got this. 2010 don't got nothing on me !

christmas music video throwbaaaaaaack ! ;;

Merry Christmas && Happy Holidays

its a wonderful feeling.

flying with angels.

rest in paradise aunty sweetie

it wasn't the morning i wanted to wake up to

but for every one thing, god gave it reason

i love you & miss you even more

but you were weak & god knew you wanted to sleep

so you closed your eyes & went to sleep

don't worry, we understand..

i miss you & i cannot wait to see you again

give aunty julaine my aloha

lets call this DS;

it could be initials it could be a nickname, you guess.

i don't know you outside of the environment that we met but you're a serious attention grabber. i saw you when i first went there and i always thought you were very, pretty. never much more than that since, well - i didn't know you. you looked cute in the same thing i always see you in & i caught a glimpse of your smile. & if no one knows, now ya know, i love me killer smiles. your make up was simple, your cheeks weren't glowing with cover up & your eyes just emphasized eye contact. i just looked at you out the corner of my eye tossing the thought back and forth if i was ever gonna go over there. so anyways, my day carried on and i did what i wanted to do & left. i glanced over in your direction as i was leaving but i didn't see you. didn't know if i'd be seeing you again, but i did. i saw you for awhile, and a lot.  i wouldn't say friends, we're not really on that level. but your smile is a serious makes my spine shake. you walk in with this "hi" attitude & its kinda intruiging but i know me & you are on different levels, so i kinda simmer down and don't make that big of a deal out of it. thats the day i started questioning myself while we were together, "i wonder if shes single?" but i didn't want to ask - didn't want to put you off or get you thinking i was looking cause at that moment i really wasn't. anyways, down the line you helped me when shit got rough & i honestly wanted to quit before you really did help me & put things into paragraphs, bullets & shit i could understand. hopefully after a million thank yous, i am sincerely (sp?) thankful for all of that work you did and continue to (till this day) helping me get better. but sometimes you have this look, makes me wonder. my mind tends to wander if i get nervous, i think about things, people, life, love & relationships for some reason to calm me down. i kinda looked at you in the reflection of the anything or out of the corner of my eye just to see if it did anything to me, you gave me butterflies? (& i honestly stood there thinking: what the fuck is wrong with me? this chick don't even talk to me on that level. "ona get off her shit.") it was a serious inside my head fight with my brain, conscience & my feelings. feelings? how the fuck did feelings get into this? yeah don't ask; cause guess whatttt...i don't know either. & on top of that you seriously came off to me like a please don't talk to me but talk to me the first time i got to talkin to you then i became SLIGHTLY intimidated by you. either it was your status (not relationship wise.) or just the way you were, but it didn't put me off i just took a few steps back from you, didn't feel like wanting to get on your bad side. but either way - one thing led to another, & by that days passed & things carried on as they always did - barelly. & i eventually find out you're with someone. (well shit, theres that chance. - that was my initial first thought that came into my head.) i'm good with resources, so i sorta looked into it. found out you've been there for awhile & that you're good. (good is a subsitute for another word, cause if i say the word i want to it will be more than obvious who this is about.) i asked my best friend about it & she was like "well damn" lol & we agreed that theres other fish in the sea. (like any other best friend would tell her friend.) & i continue (tonight) thinking to myself all them "what ifs?" like everyone & anyone else would. love? HA! no - hell no. one of them "kiddie crushes" that grown folks get i guess. i'll continue to see you & i'll continue to do what i'm doing & you'll continue on your way. if you figure out that this is about you, i guess hit me up? i'll be more than awkward & i'll have like an inside but very obvious freaking the fuck out moment. but if you read it & just know its about you then damn. guess the anonymous thing didn't really work out. you all by yourself, are a really amazing person. beyond what i do, don't & haven't begun to even understand about you. from the little that i know, the over abundance amount of information that i don't & the time that may or may not come that'll let me get to know you. i know one thing today & 4 years from now; shes lucky to have you.

im still standing.

so things arent QUITE like they use to be. i am not focusing on anyone particular except for those who give me the same. i don't wanna find love but make money. i'll face the music when the choir sings but till then im gonna make money. ive got a job now, & i just finished my training & im still dumb on it but i'll do it, cause i need the job. im determined to start school winter quarter. personal shit is being ugh, but ima live you know? im getting a little rusty on the dancing but i need to get back into it & start dancing again. fill my weeks up. shit get into a dancing class, start doing work hella & making money, go back to school, get myself a car & pay my bills on time. you know? i've got a lot on my plate, but its nothing i can't finish. they say what don't kill you can only make you stronger. i've been doing a whole lot of growing & i've moved forward. i've seen all of ya'll come & all of ya'll go, you can bet your last my head won't hit the floor - im still standing. & ima keep standing. so when it comes to it, don't pitty me or feel bad for me cause its a proven fact brah, no matter what - ima make sure i come out on top.

You're Changing..

i'm sorry i can't adhere to everyones wants and needs. i need to go after what i want & whats gonna change my life. shes the best thing thats came around for awhile & idknow where to place the blame for what happened. i'm mad because i had faith in us, only to know i couldn't have been more wrong. i knew i should have given up on something working out because of your situation & my place in your situation. so why did i push? because you kept on effin' kissing me. you kept' on effin' ending up in bed with me. yet you stood there & said its not meant to be; & im sitting there after all of it looking at you like "what the fuck?" so many times did you remind me of someone..don't tail on peoples affections and emotions for your own reasons, its selfish. but we made it clear that you were selfish to begin with.  so why do i give you all of me? why do i sit around waiting for you to do the same? you give me more than what you give others, so am i suppose to accept that as you giving me something? cause its more than you've ever given anybody else? besides from that one time? yeah i'm the lucky one. cause at the end of today, i was the one who was crying & u were the one who didn't give a shit. so idknow, you do what you do & ima' do what i do. but you need to check your company, cause baby; you're changing.

changes changes changes

Today was insane. The bestie done chopped her hair real short & got crazy tight curls. She's looking crazyy beautiful & it took nothing but me & a tall can of mango arizona tea & the big hand passing the hour mark three times. But thats her to the left. <--- lookie! Today made me wanna get my hair did, but also todays amazing news was that i have a job interview on saturdayy!! Im so excited & i have no damn idea what im wearing. Soo, this will definitley be a mission. Mom says she wants me to save & pocket but im gonna get me my shoes that ive always wanted, my hair diddd!, i need my liscense, uggs, itouch, & definitley a windbreaker & shit cause winter is coming & freezing. Walmart will get a visit from me! So yep, that is the deal more updatess coming soon.

its definitley official.

my life is a running on a course of bullshit & bitchassness. but i'll take pleasure in it. so we all know i barelly have any friends, much because of my senior year or because i choose not to have as many acquaintances as i did before because of all the drama & shit. so after nailing it down to like 4 people, 2 have dropped off the map. you all will figure it out in your own time but ugh this is more than mind boggling (is that the word?) & i cannot stand to even grasp the thought of this shit continuing. i cannot stand stupid shit, nor can i stand rude or disrespectful people. i don't take a lot of shit, atleast thats what i like to tell myself - but if i reflect on my life, thats a damn lie. i take a lot of shit, too much bullshit, & yet i turn around & dare to complain about it. ugh sometimes its a "fml" stage but mostly, i love my life. but for the sake of last nights argument, i don't believe i was wrong, i believe i was right & if at the end of the day for the 50th time of you stating "you don't know if you care anymore" & all of that serious bullshit then like i've said so many times before, grab your shit & get the fuck out. self pitty my ass. i deal & dealt with my bull & i'll continue to do so, for all the damn bull that comes my way, well i'll deal with it one way or another. & for the sake of it, i'll never fucking deal with someone disrespecting my house the way you did ever again.

Mobile Update

I fell in love & now it hurts. So you can imagine what happened. It almost hurts as bad as the last one did. I hate that im here, again. So here it goes - another period hours, days, minutes spent to getting over another bullshit escapade and making everything right. Again. Notes for anyone & everyone: dont love.

Mobile Update

So i guess im going to have to be getting use to this mobile updating from my phone cause my computer is on the fix. 36 viruses? & at that i dont know how or who did it. I havent used my computer in a few days & when i did i used my mozilla internet browser. So yeah & =( im really sad cause i think im gonna have to wipe it clean but i wont find out till later. But on the upside i will prbaly just be sending yall little updates & shit till i get my comp bk & up and running. Im sitting around watching the game, yesterday was kaipos 25th birthday & a lot of shit changed yesterday, well it will be changing cause i have no choice. So yeah yall keep it comin, facebook aint my thing but i got one, but you can find my myspace link to the right & just leave me one there i will be checking it here & there &&! Oh & the big sister (debbie) has blessed ya'll readers with her blog read about her at http://www.debbiethreet.blogspot.com/ Will update later or tomorrow. Ill hit yall with them big updates when i use a computer.
;onalani

MOBILE UPDATE

its the kinda sex with no spark/just two bodys caught in the dark/ we tease our tendencies just cause we can/ this was a disaster before we even began/ they say sex is not everything but it sure can pave the way/ im not going to agree nor disagree with what everyones got to say/ the fact of the matter is theres too much sex with no money in the economy/ yet everyone got wine taste beer money like they won the lottery/ parents screamin girlfriends dreaming and a girl whos just there/ she comes with love joy & everything thats not fair/ but like said its just sex with no spark/ just another mistake hidden in the dark.

Updated Next Day: This is just about two people who have sex but don't love each other. It's about teen pregnancy & there being no money anywhere to help all of these teenagers getting knocked up. Yet all the kids in the world have wine taste & beer money. & that Sex is just sex, but as soon as you're pregnant, its another mistake in the dark. Enjoy.

its raining but she made it FIRE!

changed it up a little bit today, but literally only a little bit. the colors are still the same just a few additions. new picture because the old one i have on all of my sites, this is an old picture from like September of 2008 but its still my kinda how i look my hairs a little longer? & no more sideish bangs. so today found out that mcdonalds monopoly is on so i got lazy :) & got mcdonalds & now im a not yet successful player :) bangin' man. lol i've always like that game, like i use to when i was a kid take everyones stickers before i handed out the food & blame it on someone else. (jealous.) so if you have speakers or earphones you would've heard this song thats going hard on me lately, its called number one sex the guy is r.kelly but some say the girl is keri hilson, even though she IS singing to a girl instead of a guy. i like it, since im bi i always wanted to find a song of a girl singing to a girl, it fits half of me. :) so anyways. dance practice has been a succcess & half success today. kinda been irritated all day oh! & i am officially mobile connected to blogspot. so i might be doing some text updates from my phone? just maybe. im still in desperate need for a job & i want a car, but right now im just tryna reach my 19th birthay. grow up right? yeah i needa. anywayss. so up till then it'll be love sex & magic. ;)

she says im the champion.
look up the lyrics to the song & you'll understand.
number one sex - rkelly & keri hilson.
it goes hard playa.

empire state of mind.

theres a lot of shit i don't tell anyone. its a matter of the fact that im too scared or not sure how to say it. i need money. but how do i say im desperate for a job? i know those around me want me to go back to school & get a job, but where the hell do i look? walking isn't exactly my number one choice, but right now thats whats on the top of the list - & if it needs to be done, it will be done. job choices like a damn barista is popping into my head, nothing wrong with the job, but me? a barista? not exactly what i pcture. but i did picture money, & any job gets me money.

i got a lot i wanna do. just gotta do it, but oh yeah - im dancing a lot now. :) julianas (http://booskeejay.blogspot.com/) senior project is coming up & shes doing the same thing i did; so that means a whole lot of organization & planning, damn near everything i DIDNT do last year; haha! so i'm just helping her to stay on top her game, cause if this ish' is sicccckkk! then shitt; that'd be hella legitimate. & ima use my graphic designing skills to make her a poster, & post that shit hella places & go places cause its all for a CAUSE. all the money raised from her show will be donated to an abused kids foundation, this foundation hasn't been chosen yet - but when she chooses ya'll will be the first to know. we're bringing performances back from last year too, not the exact ones though, we're gonna give them a little twist & addition :) i plan on helping her go ALL OUT with this show. make it one of meadowdales most SUCCESSFUL senior project.

yeeeee brah.
get your head out the gutter.

i guess this was expected.

but the drama is irrelevent to my life.
& no im not talking about the girl i've been talking about.
im talking about everything and anything else.
ugh the drama is a die out lifestyle.
& i've moved on.

YOU on the other hand is on a different level than drama.
you're on a 'you fucked me over your own damn blood for bitchassness' level.
don't you feel special?

funny business.
screen shots.

http://stackkss.blogspot.com/ (part 3)

you think youre so god damn good.

you think you've actually got ME on lock.

THE WORLD IS MY PLAYGROUND

DON'T FUCK WITH MY SWING SET
talking about lets white flag this
you really think im that stupid b? must be trippin'.
regardless of the hateness, you love me?
yeah thats why you're on here spittin' ur half ass thoughts
& i quote "thats why i'm not saying what i SHOULD be saying"
you & all of that historical chicken ass move.
blow over? take that blow over & shove it up your ass.
this is the third/fourth fucking time you've fucked me over.

& that my COUSIN, that is a damn fucking shame i've done it that many times!
you've manipulated me, you've talked shit about me & now you've choosen a boy over me!

your shit is interesting & your "white flag" of a game is twisted.

the shit you throw is fake & standing up for your ass through this shit was a damn mistake!

you ask to throw this shit out the window? haa! you know me better than that.

especially with family, are you insane?

nah not till you hear what the fuck needs to be said.

not till you TRULY this time act like a grown ass woman that you say you are.

you can throw all this bullshit & hang out with ALL OF THAT bullshit.

then you can handle the heat, cause like you've said MANY TIMES

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE HEAT

GET THE FUCK OUT THE KITCHEN.

http://stackkss.blogspot.com/ (part 2)

youre a god damn liar.
hence why you're not saying what you SHOULD be saying?
b say it, say it out loud & write it.
shit i'll even come to ur place so you can grow some balls & actually do it!
we all love it? who we? you & all your preschoolers? b you trippin'.
brah get your shit straight. & i aint talking about ur BOYs dick.

http://stackkss.blogspot.com/

i'm not family, check the tree breyana.
you don't give a fuck? check your past posts breyana.
you're all goodie? check your past drama breyana.
you bitched about him everytime we talked about it.
yet you catered to his every want & need like his bitchhhh.
you're fake as hell & you call yourself truly goodie?
brah you talk more shit than a tissue roll.
honey you need to just look @ this hole ur digging & slow yah roll.
you pop your gums & dig your self into a big ass bowl of shit.
yeah your ex homie told me your confession
i know how to talk the talk but i can't walk the walk
& that is such a true statement i can't believe i spent half my senior year
tryna protect your rear end from getting a well deserved ass whoopin.
but like i said before you're my god damn cousin & i'll do for my family
but you just a whole buncha' twisted shit in the haole way of doing shit
you now into boys who throw tantrums, fuck clucks & FCK UP your car

i heard them screeching breaks when i drove that car of yours.aaha! & you try to claim it was cause of the way you drive & i highly doubt you're the one drifting.

shittt! if you really think about it. you're into boys you have to pick up @ 2am

because they throw tantrums, because he HAS to fight some kid & cause he don't

know how to control his own nuts & act like the grown ass man he claims to be.

shit...& the grown ass woman you claim to be too.
breyana really? grow the fuck up & be REAL.
then again that could be as real as the B I T C H you claim to be.

breyana stark

youre fake.

you're happy.

you're true.

then be real.

settle the "LA FAMILIA" like its suppose to be.

you're nothing but pussy ass that don't know shit.

just cause your boyfriend has a tantrum doesn't mean shit.

you call yourself goodie? then do it goodie & handle your shit.

WOMAN like you CLAIM to be.

toy soldiers.

breyana, you're honestly a trip to watch. i take that back, you're something beyond it. you're my own cousin but my blood boils when you're brought into the conversation, my teeth clench because the temptation to fight is DYING to rely on your face for relief. you're my family so like said before i held you to such a higher level than i did ever anyone else. before urenna, before anyone - i held you higher because 2 things, we're hawaiian & you were my ohana. ohana means family, & family means no one is left behind or forgotten but i believe you've forgotten. forgotten the meaning of the blood that runs your veins & the principals we ARE to live through because of the blood we carry & the family we come from. but like many girls you fell to the insanity of giving up everything for love. love? is not him fucking three other girls. love is not ya'll conversationg & him crying. crying? you're either as dumb as the world claims or a bump on a log to fall for that bullshit. i no longer have to feel like im always being questioned about what im doing and why im doing things that way . i no longer feel like i have to fight every single day . no longer have to fight? or be questioned? one lets clear the air on your lies. have to fight what? we had one conversation dipshit, & that was FAR from a fight. question what you're doing & why you're doing it - if you're lying to me ima' question you get caught up & call it a good day. i never put the noose to your throat, i never held you for answers at gun point. idk nor do i care about what anyone else did, but all i know is that i didn't deserve this. that conversation was purely to ask you whats going on & make sure you're keeping your head up right. but you thought you knew what was gonna go down, you thought you knew about all of it & all of that. so i called you countless amount of times & texted you even more, did you reply? of course not. family friend texts you & then all of a sudden she gets a reply back from her - but of course she couldnt text ME back but could tanya. yeahhhh...ur a liar. you're as fake as it gets & about as low as it gets. you go far to build up that bullshit of a wall of yours cause you know you couldn't stand standing to my face about the truth about the facts of your situation. if you was as mentally strong as you claim to be, you wouldnt have chickened out. bring everyone, your brothers girl too if yah need to. to feel like you have some fucking security. unless you feel better with your LITTLE brothers friends standing up for you? see thats the thing. you have no backbone, & if you claim you do its as bendable as gymnist. claim to have made the golden choice. claim to have done no wrong & you follow through with ur shit then stand up for yourself. stand tall & let the whole world know breyana knows what shes doing. but the only problem is you cant. ill go toe to toe with anyone, simply because i know my mind i know my thoughts & i act like a girl GROWING into a woman. you're going backwards. you do what you do, & ima do me. but best believe, you know me TOO well to think this shits over. i'm coming, my only advice is you be ready cause you know i'm right & the day it all comes down - you'll realize youre nothing but another bitch to drive him places, pussy to fuck & trick with money to get him shit. open ur eyes, ur short not stupid - well.

myspace blog too.

http://www.myspace.com/miszkaleionalani

check out the blog on myspace too.

to dance with my father - again.

my earliest memories of my childhood are with my dad. he was always into kites & going to mukilteo park & i'd ride around on my bike, get ice cream, play with the dogs, eat & sit by the beach as he messed with his kites, cause he didn't do like them square one string kites but like "professional" i guess, shit - he was always the best one at the park. (except one time i think one of the strings got loose & haha; & the train down at mukilteo took the kite. - it was a big red & white one with grey transparent inside & black trim.) i use to be scared to sleep in my room by myself so i'd share a bedroom with my dad. my parents stopped sleeping in the same bedroom, before i could remember & the he would have the cable in his room too so i would spend the whole day in his room watching movies, doing my homework & just messing around before he came home from work. i would get in trouble sometimes, & he would take me to mcdonalds, or just out to eat - period. old country buffett became the spot. especially the waitress ladys working there would always try & hit on him, we never got into deep conversations but it was always good to just be there, to have him there. me & my mom were close, but not like we are now it was more me & my father then my brothers & my mom. then something happened. he started to work more, the arguing became more frequent & bullshit became a often answer. the family was always, okay - but not good. then you stopped coming home every night. i spent most of my time in my room or in my room during those times, & hanging out wasn't exactly a frequent thing. you would always ask me, do u wanna go for a ride? but i didn't want to - i wanted to talk to my friends & on top of that i uh found my first love interest - never seemed to have a relationship with you after this. but like said before, you stopped coming home. once maybe every two weeks, soon shit started flying in 10 different directions - this is when i became closer than close with my mom. word eventually came to surface that i THOUGHT you had been doing was what you actually doing, you had a bitch on the side. & i really didn't care ; as long as things were still taken care of - but that was too much work. i didn't hear from you for shit 3-4 months? something tells me a year but idknow. i was lived in a CRAMPED household. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom - & two families. my life was so damn confusing but my mother knew i HATED it; i didn't want it, didn't like it & i had no intention of ever forgiving you for it. but i was with my cousins all the time - it just eventually became a situation that i couldn't live with - & we moved. you made a entrance then an exit out of my life. stretched over 3-4 years but it was a quick one. you & mom are officially seperated . but i don't hear from you anymore do i? cause the girlfriend. thats the only thing. i try to call you atleast once a week to once every two weeks ; but i'd be lying if i said i was making 110% effort. things are not good between us. everytime luther's song (dance with my father) comes on, it only kills me to think that something could happen. idknow how to fix this, how to make this better. i dont know if i should call you or if i should what!? idknow..yeah you PISSED ME THE HELL OFF, YEAH - i don't understand half of your damn decisions or the fact that i'm the only daughter you were there to bring up - why you keep disappearing off the face of the earth? (ANOTHER memory) it was when i was little, i had my pink footie power ranger pajamas. Iz (israel kamakawiwo'ole) was playing on the big entertainment system you had in the tv room. idknow how but i remember it was morning, it was sunny outside but who knows if it was warm all i remember was the sun was glaring through the windows on the carpet below the sun roof we had in the tv room. i didnt know how to "slow dance" haha i was just a kid, how would i? but i stepped on your feet & you were holding my hands & we were dancing lol idk why, but i remember it - everything. idknow what to do, but a situation isnt one - but two. i need to get off my ass & do something before its too late, before i'm the one saying i'd give anything to dance with my father again... i love you daddy.

3 Posts in 1 Day. (I Wanna Be Close/Avant)

"Wanna Be Close"

its a decision..

that i've got to make.
even tho either way ima fuck myself over.

but i'd be lying if i said i don't believe we're suppose to be together.
because i do.
but i'd be lying if i said i'm not waiting for you to come to your senses.
because i am.
& i'd be lying if i said i'm not inlove with you.
because you already know the damn answer....

haters UP lovers DOWN

Money Hungry.
& for that, a JOB.

Future Grind.
& for that, an EDUCATION.

i don't look down because i have no intention of going down.
i go up, way up all the way up, to the very tippy top of this bitch.

haters up lovers down.
go against me, try to down on me.
dont be mad cause haters are wishin to be.
really think about it, why u spend so much time thinkin of me.
ain't it cause deep down you really do love me?
haha clucks are crazy & haters are my favy.
im determined to do all this but i'm lazy.
but that no matter cause @ the end of the day my vision ain't hazy.
& my goals are attainable not crazy.
so love me hate me you ain't gonna break me.
& this my haters, lovers & babys; i can guarantee.

& i promised.

this always happens. you're the best. thats why everyone chooses their potential lover over the best; right? it doesn't make sense. cause no matter how good you try to be, it'll never be right for me. no matter what happens, i'll always be the runner up to everything i put into this. you saved me so many times before, & i thought we made it a bold promise to hold on to this no matter what, but when it came to you finding the one you want to be with, it changed the whole game up didnt it? you chose your other didn't you? i don't like to gloat what i've done, & i don't expect thank yous but i'd be lying if i said the recognition doesn't make me smile cause it does. i enjoy doing what i do for others, & do it for one reason, all because i didn't have anyone to help me through my shit when i was younger. younger? i'm only eighteen, what the hell is younger - i've been through more than 18 year old should have to & more than my family & best friend will ever know. my secrets stay between me and my shadow & i hope to god i'm not stupid enough to do it twice. but of course as a teenager, i have an overfilling amount of optimism for every little fucking thing that walks itself into my life. so i do each heartbreak & each mistake three times, i only say three because its never exceeded three - but theres always a first. life goes on & my heart continues beating. only problem is when you left it skipped a few. its dramatic & its corny. but i swear when you told me what you did, it felt like 50 knives, 200 stomps, 100 guns. its like my chest caved in & i had no control over it. its dramatic, yes it is. but things never get better do they. cause you claimed to be everything but her. & for most of this, i can say its true. you never did cheat me out. till now. you never did lie to me. till now. you never did change the game up. till now. you never did fuck me over. till now.

let the rain fall down.

cause at the end of the night, i'll be there waiting for you when you come out. i need to look deep in those eyes, to look past the whys & your disguise & show me the real person underneath your smile.

http://www.booskeejay.blogspot.com/ is my newest subscription. i think ya'll should check it out. ima come back on her entry she wrote. entitled "dreaming or reality?" on august 14, 2009.

lemme tell ya'll its 2:26 in the morning & i'm crazy tired right now.

how beautiful would it be to finally be in your arms. how warm would it be to finally be protected by mans weapon of mass destruction, pain. not of physical pain, but pain of the heart, soul & mind. the warmth & shelter you bring everday with your love, is something no other person in this world could possibly give to me. when you smile i can feel all my passion & truth unfolding. when you cry its like my life is truly crumbling, don't you see? you're my shelter, you're my cover. how beautiful would it be to finally be your one true love. to be wrapped in your arms, to be kept warm, to be safe & wanted. to be held so softly & loved so gently. in the shelter of your arms on the crisp of the bedsheets i smother myself into the warmth & comfort of your chest i bury my arms into your shirt & i inhale all that reminds myself of the love i have for you. you take cover of my heart & stroke each strand of hair so gently as if the mess of a bun i created was created with a delicate & precise process. you unclip my hair & let it flow freely onto your arm and pillow as you comb through my hair the exact way i hate. i squeeze more into your chest as if there was anymore less of an inch space left between us i look up to you, as if you read my mind turned to me & kissed me softer than i swear you've ever before. my lips purely, my nose slowly, & my mind surely. a tear drops from the corner of my eye for i never thought a love could feel so safe, loving & true. i hear my tear drop to the sheets. click click click.. i close my eyes & realize i finally found what i was meant to find after all this pain...love; i drop another tear..click click click..the love was no warmer than my blanket, the shelter was no more than my walls of my bedroom & my tears were no more than the rain beating on my window seal...i held onto my pillow tightly & shut my eyes as my mind attempted to travel back to its place of peace love and serenity, i place my thoughts in drive & plead with whoever put this thought of beautiful unconditional love into my mind to not let it stop here. i closed my eyes more attempting to never wake up, held to my pillow & whispered..please don't let it end here..

editted posts.

I have made a choice to reply to messages/comments that I've recieved on myspace about an entry I made on August 7, 2009 - titled: "Even Though..." I made an addition to the entry & starts in that entry where stated. Feel free to check it out by using the archive to your right or simply scrolling down & using your eyes to find it? Wanted to inform my readers & my daily questionaires about this or that, that & this. Thank you for reading my blogspot, you are appreciated!

its all love.

historical videos...

so its only 1:14am & i'm bored & awakee and surfing the library of videos that youtube has to offer & just thinking back to when i was little & the things i use to watch like rocket power, doug, hey arnold & all that flashy stuff. :) old school television shows? whasgood brah. keep twos.


Number One Commercial. It Still goes hard.


i wanna be, i wanna be like mike!

i prefer...

i love me a thick girl, could just be because i'm thick too but can't deny it. i don't like stick thin girls (only have liked one small/double thin girl.) i love me some big hipped girls with the strong thighs to match. i like a good ass (define good as you will.) & chest. she gotta have soft skin! but at the end of the day - confidence, attitude & definitley personality can change this all up.

i love big boys. never been with one & never really found one, but i love big boys. but them ripped men i know aren't lost with words - cause LORD knows i love a bangin' body. pretty smiles & beautiful eyes are my killers. a nice butt - not a big butt. i don't like chicken legs & i love big arms. he's gotta be able to lift & help me with costco grocceries. piercings are limited - but if you have them please don't tell me the artist lied to you and said it looked good when it didn't. big feet :) & muscular hands are mmm so sexy. but like i said - confidence, attitude & definitley personality at the end of the day can change this all up.

only thing i can't do is yuck-personal hygiene, arrogance, dishonest & disrespect.

don't really know why i put this up - just thinking about things i guess.
BUT really. personality, attitude & confidence can change all of this up.
but when it comes to matters of the personality - thats a whole different entry.

little something before bed.

freestyle . really off the top of my head.

yeah its the truth.

she was even better than the last.

she kinda put a sparkle in my past.

but i bet the next is gonna be even better.

&& ill love her better & bathe her in cheddar.

haha who still says cheddar?

all the boys talk about changin the weather.

be the weatherman & change the forecast

go big & get better service than verizon v-cast

but yous just an ass for bein her last

if i was her last wouldnt even be a cast

cause id make sure the past is the past

i wasnt the first & i'd give a bitch that

but i know when to treat a lady like a lady

instead of like THAT ..

even though..

its MORE than likely that we hate more than love each other.

Happy Eighteenth Birthday Bubba
& i hope all your wishes come true.

_im adding something august 12, 2009_

i got a couple of comments/messages via myspace about this post. it truly isn't anyones business but i did take it upon myself one late ass night to post this, & because of free speech, i did. its nothing in revenge or bullshitting cause its the truth, i do hope all of her wishes came true & all of that jazzy shit. when it comes down to it, me and urenna were friends for three.five years & even tho we are both at ends now & definitley moving on with our lives - she still was a big part of my life & forever will be whether its the same to her or not. she still is the same person to me as she was & has been since day one. im sorry & i apologize if this bothers anyone that i put this up here, but not enough to take it down & not enough to care much after that. because in all honesty, its my blog & not yours & if it bothers you so much then real talk? don't read my shit.

138,000 Signatures.

how does gay marriage hurt anyone? if you don't like gay marriage then don't have one. how is it your business what other people do with their damn lives? ignorant ass people fill this damn country i swear.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2009588638_ref71campaign03m.html

bullshitting.

bullshitting everyday all day. its kind of irritating and i dont really know what to do. this blog entry isnt gonna make sense. its truly gonna be a blog of a bunch of bullshittin. literally. so here it is. i dont really know what to do and i dont really understand wtf is running thru ur head. u say one thing,, think another and do a whole different thing please stick to one thing but then again, i doubt u will. my love life is kinda going on a death line but i really dont mind it cause good sex is good sex, sike jk. sometimes i wish i could be like a guy and maybe fuck with a few girls and see what it feels like not to give two fucks minus two shits over someones feelings, well maybe care but not care enough to do something about it. maybe, shit who knows. and ur crushing. wtfuck. i hate you, i really do. something in me still wnats to beat the living shit out of you. i really do hate you, like i hate hate hate you. fuck do i hate you, but a part of me still loves you but all in all, i hate you. thank you for ruining a lot of my life, you heartless son of a bitch.

summmmerrr heaaat!

In the beautiful words of my boy T.DAVIS! Seattle's NOT! hot .... its SIZZZLINNNN...haaha! damn..if any of my readers are in the seattle area, you KNOW what im talking about. the damn heat and HUMIDITY is going in twenty different directions. spent the last two weeks out with my divas or familia EVERYDAY. edmonds beach is where my favorite water resides, or the packed ass martha lake where all of lynnwood tends to find themselves...either way, we find a way to cool ourselves down. the late trips to edmonds for our conversations are gettin deeper and deeper.

Either way, if you live around my way you'll know what im talking about. Everyone running around half-naked! & every damn somebody in the water. Theres no way ur hittin the waves and no ones in it, its hot as hell in this bitchhhhhhh! Worst news from all of this, my house has no air conditioner. So youuuu KNOW yah girl is cookin' up, talkin about marinating in sweat (borrowed from the genius NiNi).

So on that note, as much as i'm sticky, uncomfortable, and sometimes - not even sometimes; but all the time too uncomfortable to sleep and spend more than enough time trying to find the coldest spot on my bed and then fall asleep before the coldest spot turns into the hottest spot. falling asleep in tank and shorts with the fan (Which successfully blows hot air all night) on all night - @ the end of the day; yah girl is enjoying the heat wave. Seattle is reaching record high temperature and for the first time in a damn ass minute, is HOTTERR! than Spokane - SINCE WHEN HOMIE? Thats what im saying but either way - i hope EVERYONE enjoys their summerr and this BEAUTIFUL summer heat. if its too hot, jump in the ocean i promise it'll keep you cool 2-3 hours afterwards. it banggginnnn. KICKS UPPP!

at the end of the day.

at the end of the day, dont kiss me then tell me no.
at the end of the day, dont squeeze me then tell me no.
at the end of the day, dont lemme eat you up then tell me no.
at the end of the day, point blank - jus don't tell me no.
especially when last week, the week & the month before that.
you told me yes.

damn lil momma..

damn lil momma...YOU'RE KILLIN THE GAME.

She's a blessing that got a murder touch. Skins soft like she just came out the johnson johnson factory. She goes undetected. Stays well below the radar but makes her appearences. Her confidence is sexy with attitude that puts her on the edge. If you're ever looking through your phone & pass by a name & think damn she'd be a keeper - this is her! in every aspect homie. Shes wise beyond her years, truth is hidden in between her words but passion is more than ever present. First time we got into our first conversation, she was someone i knew would be somebody important in my life. She doesn't say much but says more than expected by anyone. The way she uses her words, and the way her vocal chords wrap beautifully around every syllable she spits...ahh makes my nerves stand & my spine shake at her demand. Shes damn near perfection with an effortless effort. If you know her, you don't understand her. But if you understand her, you'll know why im giving this lady, NOT girl - the upmost respect, if nothing else - a standing ovation.

happy birthday mommy & aunty julaine..

this is for you aunty julaine.

happy belated birthday.

i love you & i can't wait till we see each other again.

july 25, 1955 - march 8, 2007

updated

lord knows i miss you. i know you're in a better place, but i'd give anything just to see your face, to hear your voice - it still gives me the shakes. *for the readers a piece of information. julaine espanio, aka my aunty ju is my mothers twin sister. their birthday just passed this saturdy (july 25th) & it was yet extremely hard trying to go about not screaming "happy birthdy aunty ju" & not waking up to my mom on the phone with her on the back deck talking about their age, memories & how dumb my brothers and i have been between the last time they talked and now. you know the usual.* i woke up saturday (july 25th for those slow readers) to my mom tapping my shoulder "you don't have to drive out there, we're taking both trucks." familiar voice from my floor came in, it was breyana "but can i still drive aunty?" "yeah if you like" "okay" "ona we're going soon so get up" "okay" the time nor the day had registered in my head - but i knew that there was a party that night - just not that it was her birthday but i didnt forget - it was just too damn early. so i got up & walked pass her room "why are you watching aunty julaines video?" referring to the video above. why did i ask that? because everytime this video plays, there isnt a dry eye in the room. then it dawned on me as i walked into the kitchen, its her birthday. shit. damnit i felt like i forgot, but i knew i didnt just i was still a walking manican up until that point. i walked into her room as she was putting her makeup bag into her duffle thingy "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY" "thank you" as she hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. it was less than 60 seconds, but it was 60 seconds that i will never forget. i continued on with my morning, and jumped in the shower. i came out brushing my hair and changed my clothes, came out of my room to be met with that familiar song the prayer by ho'okena. i looked into moms office, and saw the video playing (above). i stopped dead in my tracks and went into her office. sat down on the chair and watched it. it was a immediate, i could still feel the sheets of her bed being too damn hot, and not being able to find a cool spot in your bed and turning to you with some square 4 inches x 4 inches thing with a neck strap with red and white writing on it. i remember thinking what the hell is this, it looked like a mini speakerphone. no buttons, nothing but a strap that went around your neck. (later i found out it was a air cleaner - how the hell it worked is beyond me though.) i turned over to you and flipped through the channels. GOLDEN GIRLS. you were sleeping pretty silently, i was thinking the worst for some reason for about 5 minutes, but i stopped. you had your hand on the pillow that was the space taker between me and you. i looked at your fingers, your skin, your arms, your neck, your chin, your nose, your eyes, your forehead, your cheeks...your face. everythings changed...your whole appearence...it wasnt the aunty julaine i knew...but your voice still had the sterness in it. everything opposite of mom, attitude, sassy, and a little jest. you still had an opinion about anything and everything but your words slurred so much, sometimes i got scared. i held your hand and you woke up, i looked at your eyes, they were the same eyes - same eyes i saw at the boardwalk. another memory ill never forget. playing rock paper scissors with uncle tyrone for either the water log ride or bumper cars. bumper cars won - sucker. i forget wat i was in - but u were in overalls. white tee with ur hair how it normally was half up half down with ur bangs like moms and the little bump. u had your glasses on, and your gold watch with white tennis shoes and ankle high white socks. i remember sitting in your red car and coming over the hill and seeing all the big roller coasters as i was chomping on strawberry bubblicious gum. fast forward....i still cant bring myself to realize that you're no longer here on earth with me, even though its been 2 years...i still cry when i hear your song, or think about you. i love you & i promise you...ill make you smile.

Happy 54th Birthday Mommy & Aunty Julaine.

baby sister issssss ..

BABY GIRL IS WRITING NOW ON BLOGGER

look forward to her writings here @

http://www.booskeejay.blogspot.com

'best ive ever had' part two

the baddest in the game did it again...we sat & kicked it. i really didnt plan for it all to pop off again, i really wanted to just watch tv - didnt have any pre-planned shit at all and thats on my fam. but plies said it best my hands tend to get me into trouble and this time they dug a little deeper on you than i thought i ever would. i love kissing you as much as you know i do - but what you did in that bed was the craziest game plan i ever seen. so once again baby ; please excuse my hands..leaning on you watching tv, with my mind resting on your thighs which noted: are the softest thighs i've ever felt. & ive felt a lot of thighs. my hands traveled around the globe & made their way to one of my favorite places on your body. i turned over on you & kissed ur stomach. played with your belly button & licked up to right below your bra strap baby soft skin, smooth complexion & tasted like sweet strawberries... "dont give me a hickie" fingertips on ur cheek and one found its way to your lips. she bites. i start sucking on your lip as you playing lollipop on my fingertips. goin' a little longer & goin a little harder..i wasnt on my a game and i was goin till i felt your lungs at their largest, vocal chords at their sharpest & your thighs feelin so tight i just might...sike. phone was vibrating my nightstand, tv was comin in every now & then but i was steady focused on your breathing . fingertips made their exit & then it happened, girl put her game face on & was playin that chase game - had me all over them thighs. went down south & ate my breakfast lunch & dinner. put the muscle to work & she squeezed hands, was sharing her lungs with the stuffing in my pillows. went up quick to be met with the softest lips in the world . played some cat & mouse with the bottom lips, but cha' got on quick & had me beggin like a kid for ice cream change. my hands was up on yah lovely lady lumps & tongue was dippin & dodgin between yah bites but the temperature was still rising. yah phones ringing we both knew who it was, knew she was suppose to answer it - but she didnt answer, so i went a little faster..i made a joke & put you on the spot. betcha can't. girl took my hand & put them in places i aint never seen before..grabbed my hair & the back of my neck & pulled me down like crazy..talking in between kissing, kissing in between syllables & sucking in between paragraphs....grabbed yah thighs tough, pulled me to your chest, she never said she was the best - i dont like that cocky stuff but my girl got confidence - & her confidence in satisfying me all the while satisfying herself can make the baddest muthafucka turn a new leaf..damn phones going at it again...she biting my lip, im sucking on hers..i lick her tongue, she sucks on mine i rub her thighs, she pulls me into her...she never said she was the best..but she proved herself to be better than the rest..proved herself to be the 'best i ever had' so we laid back on the bed with her legs spread and without taking a break..we went for round 4 instead..

the end.
shes got a big ego.

explanation

not really gonna get into detail with it - not till i cross over with her. all i gotta say is - girl got me FEEEEEEEENIN'. not a sex story, but an experience tht i hold close. "if it was close than you would keep it private" yeah & if you fools notice - you don't know anymore that nothing. i keep her kisses close with my details and i know where she puts her hands when she gets nervous & look she gives me when she really want me to keep going. im keeping it all, its not game - its special. i write about the the best ive ever had cause she is one of the most amazing people ive ever met. also cause if you know me again. u should know that i love to write.

god MUST have.

EVERY girl..

& i don't think you're beautiful

i think you're BEYOND IT.

i wish i could fuck every girl in the world.

is it right if a girl says it? im bisexual.

Drake's Performance in Toronto, May 13, 2009

and he throws a shoutout to rihanna towards the end.

"Shout Out To Rihanna. I Love You Baby"

ahaha ...chris brown is a joke ; STILL.

just a TUESDAY NIGHT...

the wendy williams show. how many of you have heard of it before? shes pretty much an honest tv personality that roughly around the edges tells you how it is, what it is & what its feena' be about. her show casted quite a few laughs from me today ; crackin brahh. & on top of that jeremih performed: birthday sex. mhm so it was ALL crackin homie. you guys are probably wondering, why the hell are you talking about a tv show? lol well cause i like watching tv shows, all but the stupid ones like steve the security guard jerry springer bullshit & the show use to be maury but now i think thats dumb too well for all the hes cheatin on me with this heffa episodes. its irritating & woman need to get men that don't have eyes for other women & women need to get their attitude & bull on a leash cause their shit is gettin crazy and outta control. the family life is good but find myself reminiscing more than usual. the homies and i are planning to do a city lights theme this weekend or whatever you wanna call it. we're gonna just go out probably to the club, go to the center, eat dinner out & then we're booking up in the hotel & we gon do it and do it well. haha sike but yah we're just gonna go out, simple is my middle name! but im excited for it. SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT its the new motto - well out of many that is. as well as SAYING IT STRAIGHT LEADS TO STRAIGHT UNDERSTANDING both taken from The Wendy Williams Show - bangin`. how you doin'? so - SO FAR . im looking at whatchu know about that HILTON hotel? mhm bangin . probably do the late night shit, the late night clip & call it a good hit. just kidding idk wtf i just said but its all good homie. going out tonight too. even tho its midnight. harry potter is opening tonight. & YA'LL KNOW YAH GIRL IS TRYNA SEE THAT MR.POTTER :) fo sho. haha - soo .. & btw if no one knew now yah know and now its for sure - BUMBLEBEE IS THE NUMBERRR ONEEEE HOMIEE ! & thats just me being straight up honest & for real cause ya'll know bumblebee & owee! not to mention - shia labeouf & lets not get into the ladies. optimus prime be breakin folks off though ; gettin real with the customers talking about ahhhhh and megan fox is just the begining of the whole damn situation. ahahaha read this man..shia labeouf is walking out of the whole (on transformers 2) and he walks over to megan fox and kisses her. (me: ooo im jealous) (debbie: OF WHICH ONE?) ahaha i aint never died so much in complete silence but it was desperatley needed haha buhh my bad its just an insider . get wit it homie . the BOOSKEE J has finally hit up that new phone status. she is rolling about the area with the samsung behold spent my night putting music on her memory card & being dumbshits & the computer singing stupid shit to old school songs. ahaa that was some memories bradah ahaha ; THE JACKSONS:AN AMERICAN DREAM. may Michael Joseph Jackson Rest in Paradise. damn its been how long? damn...the king has really gone on to a better place but his music will live forever.

its ALREADY..

JULY 14TH ! damnn...its going by fast but im having a blast mane. =) me and the girls & some of my guys are discussing the thought of going on a camping trip. so im excited. lol its not exactly camping, ill call it a getaway. we're probably going to go to ocean shores, bangin brah. im coming up with a list in my head of all the things i wanna do this summer but there is a few bumps, quite more obstacles and a little irritation but my summer all in all, will go FABULOUS. this i want, believe and will have. so with this being said ; do it buddie.

this summer i wanna...
- join the game. come out with a girlfriend.
- join the game. don't come out with a boyfriend.
- make 5 new friends..
- meet 2 genuine nice people.
- continue not smoking.
- get my liscense..haha
- get a deccent paying job.
- spend a weekend with my grandmama.
- do the breast cancer walk..
- go to the top of the space needle
- go to the club 3 times
- kill a spider
- redo my bedroom. (purple? yup.)
- get a full bed.
- make steak for dinner.
- my personal favorite.
- my personal favorite.
- my personal favorite.
- my personal favorite.
- my personal favorite.

Janet Damita Jo Jackson

Janet Damita Jo Jackson

The Queen of R&B

MY IDOL

Idk why but lately i've just been taking appreciation to all the artists that have been around for awhile that have paved the way for anyone who wants to be in the music business. i'm no singer, but if anyone should know anything about me - i love to dance. its my passion. its what fills me up on an empty stomach, its what leaves my body rejuvenated for another battle, another fight for everything that i deserve in my life. i love the rhythmic move of a dancer, the way your body will flow with the exact beat of every song. whether there be a song on the stereo, or the beat of raindrops hitting the pavement. ill make music with my own to feet & the whip of hair in the seattle wind..when i close my eyes i see shoes, i see children, i see a pavement and i hear the beat. the shoes tap the pavement and its like the bass of my own mind booms with the biggest strength ive ever felt. dancing..it'll take you there. i've yet to figure out where there is but when i figure it out ill be sure to let you know. but till then, dancing and my motivation, passion, breath, life & love. the skys your limit but mines beyond it & baby ; i plan to reach it without or w/o you!

the best ive ever had..

not in love ; atleast i hope im not. just infatuated with your body. not feenin' but ill admit that you started to ease and i was beggin in my mind please dont stop, please? but as always the good times came to an end, i thought about them a lot probably the state of pleasure i was in. if you can't tell by now, its about a GIRL. theres no way a man can do game like this. 18 years of league practice ; nada homie . ima tell it like this because shes just that special to me. this is not to get confused ; shes the BEST IVE EVER HAD. shes got bangin body with lips to match. her thighs are on some crazy lock shit & she know just when to squeeze. she sucks deeper than anybody you know & put her hands in all the right places .. whatchu know about that? we'll kick it tough but crazy shit happens ; its never planned - & i really don't think either of us plan on it going down . but one of us eats, one of us wants a bite - leads to biting nails, sucking fingers, licking lips & sliding against me like im your bedsheets..i give you another bite - u suck a little lighter ; but your tongue locks down on my finger - shes sucking the juices from this food off my hand. moist...shes hella...mmm..got me thinking crazy thaangs making crazy moves..i scoot closer to you & slide a body part under your legs...you move your juices closer to my body part.. ahhhhhhhh...girl is feena' take this ride places..she squeezes on my thigh harder ; she telling me shes teasing & im looking at her close her eyes ; i can just tell what shes thinking, feeling - like an open book. i say, do you want it?...it was the best answer i never got - she turns her head and closes her eyes as she sucks her bottom lip...i throw my head back cause this girls doing something and its driving me insane. she squeezes her thighs on mine...i look at her...she squeezes tight and rubs her leg up my thigh ... DAAAAAAAAAMN! .. may not seem a lot to you but gimme a girl who knows how to do it, when to do it and just how much..woo...i slide a hand back...putting it down in places i aint never seen before. squeezes again .. i grab your hand squeezin for dear life...why you tryna giggle? my legs shakin and i look back at her again - "yeah?" "i hate you, i hope you know that." she looks at me and squeezes again...damn near falling cause her loving ceases to AMAZE ME..like i said im not in love, atleast i hope im not ; just INFATUATED with the whole damn package..she moved her legs & i maintained my posture...your games murder baby..she turned over and said i gotta..

Pt. 2 - Coming Soon.
well readers .. Maybe.

Would you ...

If you fell in love with the man/woman of your DREAMS .
Then come to find out soon or years down the line that they were born
opposite of the gender that they are now. (Tranvestite)

Would the power of love you have for them exceed the
fact that their BORN gender was different than what they are now?

Would you stay?
Would you leave?
Would love be all
you claimed it to be?

Ps. They have all the body parts.

A Male Gone Female: Cannot Birth Babys.
A Female Gone Male: Cannot Give Babys.

Would You?
I question the power of love.

ill be there..

hello everyone. aint really been gone but felt like writing today. i still cant begin to even comprehend the fact that the king is really gone. music has always had a strong grip on me for the past 18 years, especially the past 4. michael jackson and janet jackson (as most of you should know.) are my idols in the music business. they are true performers, with talent that exceeds the average mind.

i havent really graced blogger with my presence in awhile. a few posts here and there, and reccently a little bunch of rhymes i put together while laying back in the blankets. its just been a little update of whats going on in the life of kaleionalani.

well for those who don't know i am (no need for the curious) i am bisexual. so today i was blessed with my first actual "girlfriend". its a relationship im looking forward to. i choose to remain anonymous lately ; just because i know a few of those who read this blogspot. shes an amazing girl with a beautiful smile. shes the sweetest person i've met in awhile with a heart warming embrace to match. we've known each other around 4.5 years and we've been great friends with such an understanding argumentative relationship - that its crazy that we've ended up together. but gotta say this boo boo ; i love you . and if i ever meet ya ima` give you the world.

the DIME DIVAS are the newest throwback addition to my life. we're not a crew but 3 girls that i hate saying all their names ; every time so i just call them my dime divas. they've all individually come a long way. lemme take a few moments to explain these girls just so we're understanding each other. the first one i've known forever ; miss deborah . mature, wise, sweet, beautiful, crazy, mood & amazing. craziest thing ; we've been friends for a rounded six years - and this is our first year at being so close. and i don't think i would've chosen anyone else to spend my senior year with. shes the wisest of them all with an edge and an attitude to match. she won't snap her fingers but she'll snap anyone into place. the second is the cousin other wise known as breezyana (breyana) ; six years short we've been close off and on. we've hit many walls - but luckily it was made of weak shit cause we came out like savages. shes come far with building herself - shes learning but shes growing and in the end doesnt matter what happens but how you respond to it. last but definitley not least! is the amazing baby girl ; juliana garcia - whatchu` know about that morenita ? shes the most amazing girl her age i've met. shy but strong, naive but wise beyond her years, smiles through tears and one by one defeats her fears. shes come so far its crazy to think i've been here since the beginning! she was moving mountains before she knew she could ; & its just been a forever building strength that she will grow til she passes it on. i am so proud to be friends with all of you. you've all brought a sort of amazing quality to my life and i don't think ; no i wouldnt have survived this year & i mean literally .

but this is just a little re-cap. i'll be trying to post atleast every other day ; if not ill try atleast once a week with a novel to write. live by the breeze and breathe with ease for tomorrow brings another day and another reason to smile all over again. if you want to make the world a better place, make a little space & make a better place. will be with you sooner than later and forever rather than till the end.

rest in paradise..

Rest In Paradise

Michael Joseph Jackson

August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009

You are the most talented man the world has ever been blessed with. Although you've gone through your personal problems, you have never failed to show the world strength through pain and happiness through your music. You always had faith in all that you did & showed us what a true performer is suppose to be. You have never failed us or left us in doubt. & even though you're gone your spirit, your music, and your voice will forever remain with those you've influenced. No one will ever be able to duplicate your work, ridicule your accomplishments or diminish your record. Your fans & unconditional love shows that you were truly an angel at heart, & you will forever be missed & may god bless you with everything you've blessed us with.

Personal Note:
it seems stupid that i'm writing this on my blog. but believe it or not, michael jackson, janet jackson, and my brother are the reasons that i dance. they are why i keep going with it, because i want my talent to show what they show. the king of pop, the queen of r&b, and my older brother are my idols. for forever & a day ; i love you. because when i dance its not just dancing, but its a moment of my life where time stands still, all my problems in the world disappear and nothing and no one can take this feeling of LOVE away from me. I only hope that everyone else gets to experience the AMAZING AND UNEXPLAINABLE feeling that i feel when i dance. Heal the world, save the childrens & preserve the love left in our hearts for others. <3

Peace Love & Serenity

sometimes...

i wonder what it would be like if we were all still one.
if all the half ass stories & drama could be undone
would i have taken the worlds advice?
but im writing this so i can get PRECISE
exactly to the way feels, touching on exactly how i feel
i hate touching on memories that are gone so i try to conceal
conceal the fact that it still hurts when i think about us last year
and how every once in awhile i come close to shedding a tear
i broke down enough this year when it got pretty severe
its not that im learning how to breathe on my own
its that the ending of us hurts down to the bone
and even though im okay & thats the truth
the way these friendships ended pulled roots
memories kill me little by little everytime i think about it
how we're not friends but enemies kills me when i think about it
and i admit ; that part of my life was a bitch
i guess the future we pictured ; wasnt pictured with each other
and that we really arent gonna do it big with one another
and that at one point i should've listened to my mother
shit ; i should've listened to my brother
to not get comfortable becuase they wouldn't be around for long
& that the way im living my life day to day was all wrong
and that my circle of friends wasn't strong
and that my mother was right all along
this wasnt the way i pictured my life to be this year
would i have faced my worst fear?
i wanted all the fighting and drama to disappear.
but we all know that wasn't about to crack
the lines became clear as white and black
the memories of us still took over my mind
& i knew that i had been blind
blind to the fact that this was all just high school
and at the end of the day if i react ; im the fool
i miss you guys ; and thats a fact
& im not the kinda girl who likes to act
act like things dont hurt ; when they really do
cause at the end of the day it really is if you only knew
but this isnt just a poem full of rhymes
but this is just a thought that comes around ; sometimes .

its not the end.

its just beginning. been kinda tired lately ; been tryna find out what im gonna do with my life all the while fighting my high school for the bullshit they're trying to pull. but its all good cause i got my d-i-p-l-o-m-a word homie. either way;im tired as hell. im sitting in the school library kinda watching what juliana is doing and thinking about what the world is asking considering the fact that im here. yeeknow? its kinda sucky..to the left is the picture of my dog and me on graduation day. i wasnt able to walk because my teachers suck ass . but i have no one to blame but myself.either way ; with that being said. i am once again tired. writing in this while im in school but technically not in school just at A school is kinda odd considering the fact that like meadowdale really isnt my school anymore. i mean it is and always will be, but yikes maneee! idk its not the end, its just the begining. it doesnt change how i feel - or how much i miss the people ive lost. because beyoned the pain and torture - i won something, i won this - this battle. this battle of finding yourself before you reach the end of the road. the battle of trying to conquer the world and the moon all at once. i won my life...back.

FINALLY...

this is my time to show what i must have always known ; that nothings impossible - & dreams come true. my dream came...true. tonight was amazing . SIMPLY amazing . ive always had fun out with my girls - but this year theres a new definition to [FRIENDS] theres a new definition to being happy and theres DEFINITLEY a new definition to living [HAPPILY] no one understands this like i do . i miss my old days - i miss my old homies . but...what i've got now is simply - IRREPLACEABLE . & for that i love you.

i lost .

& i don't mind that i did at all .
today was one of THE most interesting days of my life ; BY FAR.

it was on beat too .
[nice & slow - usher]

summerr daysss !

FIRST DATE SEX . ahaa . no i don't get down like that . but trey songz does with his new track which is a cover from jeremiah's new release "birthday sex" . no one got it like jeremiah though . thats such a beautiful name btw .. ne way . TODAY is folklife festival . might hit it up with the fam fam with the baby girl. ive been super tired lately . and just PUMPED for graduation in LESS than a month . its coming TOO fast . time needs to pause and i can just fall back on this bullshit . but im soo excited yet soo scared .. god... could i go crazy anymore? ne way. after graduation im going to ECC raising my GPA cause i know the truth & then im going to Seattle Art Institute on scholarship for Graphic Designing and i am so far, (we'll see in the future) interested in transfering to Washington State University for counseling/psychology degree. that would be such a crazy thing. they have NOTHING to do with each other . but i wanna do EVERYTHING . from SAI to WSU and then i wanna go to california and pursue my future in maybe dancing or just up my skill and dance on the side ? like make it my hobby not my job . shooottt ! theres sooo much that i can do ; i know it. i have confidence . just sometimes my fallbacks go further than i expected ! but this summmmerrrr ! me and my lil sister, right hand & cuddi are gonna go real big . the right hand is going down to california though ! and me, lil sis and cuddi r gna stay up here . ima travel a little this summer i think ; but not for long . im already registered for schooling, and i got a job on the line with a whip from the daddy . i gotta get on that lisc jump off . but its kinda hard to explain - no motivation i guess . i mean in all honesty ; wtf would i be driving ne ways? shiett ... but anywayss .. i feel good i feel alright ... warm summer nights .. !! SUMMERRR DAYSS JUST SITTIN AROUND BUT WHEN THE SUN GOESS DOWNN ILL BE READY TO PARTYYY .. AINT NOTHIN LIKE THOSE SUMMER NIGHTSSS !! woo .. summer of 2009 . is feena be UNFORGETTABLE .

sleeeepyyy...

J.GARCIA, B.STARK & D.THREET
three girls that have kept my head above water, feet on the ground and my divine mind, divine. ive been happier but not lately. so smile better and go faster . life is here for the taking.

commander in chief..

sometimes love comes around and it sweeps u off ur feet.
but that dont mean my hands let go ; im holding on for dear life.
cause im soo scared .. i cant go through this again .. i cant fall again.

"till i met this pretty little missle; that shot me out the sky."
so if i wanted to be your missle ..?

her..

so as many of you know im bi.
& as almost all but none of you know.

i fell in love.
and nothing has ever hurt so much.

determined.

so i know ive always talked about change and that change is coming andthat i will be changing in the future and i know that it never happens. i turn around just to say "something happened" and i normally put it off and talk about someone else is doing something to jepordize me from doing the things and being the person that i wanna be. but they're not, i am. no one can change the outcome that one is destined for. you can be the person you want to be. you dont need others to help you. because at the end of the day, you breathe your own air. its hard to understand when you're on the other side but this year has truly been a life changing experience for me and i need to think about the things i want to do and the places i want to go with my life because i dont know what or where i plan on going but i want to do this; i want to change. i want to be the better person the bigger person. and a nicer person. i dont want all this anger hobbering in me (is hobbering a word?) and i dont want to be like that...its just not healthy you know? but its all good im gonna be happy in the end whether anyone likes it or not. because this is what i want. i will have no fall backs. atleast ones that literally push me back in moving foward. i will have none of those. i will only move forward, never go back. i will speak my mind, but not disrespectively . i will say what i feel, but not dramatically. i will do these things as a WOMAN and not a GIRL.. EIGHTEEN is such a different spotlight. its scary ; and its weird. but its all worth it, and i thank my mom and my 3 girls that have truly helped me to be the person that i am this year and growing to unbelievable amounts. so im calling this to conclusion. god is love. love is god.