to dance with my father - again.

my earliest memories of my childhood are with my dad. he was always into kites & going to mukilteo park & i'd ride around on my bike, get ice cream, play with the dogs, eat & sit by the beach as he messed with his kites, cause he didn't do like them square one string kites but like "professional" i guess, shit - he was always the best one at the park. (except one time i think one of the strings got loose & haha; & the train down at mukilteo took the kite. - it was a big red & white one with grey transparent inside & black trim.) i use to be scared to sleep in my room by myself so i'd share a bedroom with my dad. my parents stopped sleeping in the same bedroom, before i could remember & the he would have the cable in his room too so i would spend the whole day in his room watching movies, doing my homework & just messing around before he came home from work. i would get in trouble sometimes, & he would take me to mcdonalds, or just out to eat - period. old country buffett became the spot. especially the waitress ladys working there would always try & hit on him, we never got into deep conversations but it was always good to just be there, to have him there. me & my mom were close, but not like we are now it was more me & my father then my brothers & my mom. then something happened. he started to work more, the arguing became more frequent & bullshit became a often answer. the family was always, okay - but not good. then you stopped coming home every night. i spent most of my time in my room or in my room during those times, & hanging out wasn't exactly a frequent thing. you would always ask me, do u wanna go for a ride? but i didn't want to - i wanted to talk to my friends & on top of that i uh found my first love interest - never seemed to have a relationship with you after this. but like said before, you stopped coming home. once maybe every two weeks, soon shit started flying in 10 different directions - this is when i became closer than close with my mom. word eventually came to surface that i THOUGHT you had been doing was what you actually doing, you had a bitch on the side. & i really didn't care ; as long as things were still taken care of - but that was too much work. i didn't hear from you for shit 3-4 months? something tells me a year but idknow. i was lived in a CRAMPED household. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom - & two families. my life was so damn confusing but my mother knew i HATED it; i didn't want it, didn't like it & i had no intention of ever forgiving you for it. but i was with my cousins all the time - it just eventually became a situation that i couldn't live with - & we moved. you made a entrance then an exit out of my life. stretched over 3-4 years but it was a quick one. you & mom are officially seperated . but i don't hear from you anymore do i? cause the girlfriend. thats the only thing. i try to call you atleast once a week to once every two weeks ; but i'd be lying if i said i was making 110% effort. things are not good between us. everytime luther's song (dance with my father) comes on, it only kills me to think that something could happen. idknow how to fix this, how to make this better. i dont know if i should call you or if i should what!? idknow..yeah you PISSED ME THE HELL OFF, YEAH - i don't understand half of your damn decisions or the fact that i'm the only daughter you were there to bring up - why you keep disappearing off the face of the earth? (ANOTHER memory) it was when i was little, i had my pink footie power ranger pajamas. Iz (israel kamakawiwo'ole) was playing on the big entertainment system you had in the tv room. idknow how but i remember it was morning, it was sunny outside but who knows if it was warm all i remember was the sun was glaring through the windows on the carpet below the sun roof we had in the tv room. i didnt know how to "slow dance" haha i was just a kid, how would i? but i stepped on your feet & you were holding my hands & we were dancing lol idk why, but i remember it - everything. idknow what to do, but a situation isnt one - but two. i need to get off my ass & do something before its too late, before i'm the one saying i'd give anything to dance with my father again... i love you daddy.