i now see how stupid i was when i was younger. young & stupid, pretty muching hitting it on spot. for the longest time, i've had anger problems. when someone got in my face, i'd fight. when someone got me pissed off, i'd take it to a whole different level. when someone would try and instigate me, i'd let them & then we'd both take it to a level that it didn't need to be taken to. Now, i'm sitting here...looking at how stupid fighting, arguing is & how it takes you fucking no where. No, i am not condoning pain, nor am i condoning stupidity, yes sometimes anger and/or pain does take you to a point where physical conflict is the only thing one could resort to, understandable. HELLO...queen of drama right here.
im not saying my reasonings were stupid, because i do truly believe that NO ONE should be disrespected in ANY aspect of a situation, whether someone is fucked over or has fucked up. i made the mistake the past 3 years of taking all of my problems to that level, and to everyone that had to deal with that, i am sorry. i am truly now seeing how i need to concentrate on my education & my family's well-being (personal issues) & my personal health (more personal issue). friends are important to me, lord knows that but i know that sometimes i must draw the line between right and uneccesary. i won't say wrong, because i never know what is going on with the opposite side, and maybe there are always things that people don't know, but you never truly do know 110% of what happens, so why take it to a level that you don't need to.
im seventeen & im feena' be eighteen in less than two months. i'm so excited. god would i love to have so many people by my side cause i know we always use to talk about when i turn that "eighteen" what am i going to do. i got wishes. i got dreams. i got hopes. i got plans. & i most definitley have goals. with all of these things in my future! fuck, with all of these in anyone's future! why the drama to pull you down? why the drama to hold you back? mentally it doesn't feel like it nor do most see it like that. (lord knows i didn't.) but i've had such a fufillment with school this year, that drama almost seems irrelevent. i miss that everyone that i've lost. i'm truly sorry to everyone i hurt. lord knows i've cried my tears, but its not fair to anyone to dwell any longer. i've dwelled for 3 years, its enough. moving on will hurt, but moving mountains will hurt me even more. im willing to move on and see whats there for me in the future and be excited to see what's in store for me! what i have to look forward to! its...something i truly can't wait for.
& baby now i see what you meant by "i don't get why people don't have that drive to make it like i do mommy?" oh god do i see that now...thank you so much for pushing me all these years to get my head out the fuckin clouds and bring it down to earth and look at my future for what it is, not for what it could be tomorrow. to focus on making it now, not when i graduate. to plan ahead now, not tomorrow. to take everyday as a new adventure and not as a set back.
i was always told, "there are 24 hours in a day; make something of it."
and i am doing something with those 24 hours now. i within myself, have come so far. & whether the world see's it or not...i see it, i feel it, i will go forward with it. & now i will not allow anyone to hold me back, if they're there to drive with me into my future than baby, ride but i won't let nobody pull me down.
drama & fighting is not the answer. it will only set back the goals of which you set within your mind. ignoring and praying won't make situations disappear (if this does offend anyone, i'm sorry.) i believe in working things out. i believe in sitting folks asses down and talking shit out. i would do it with my biggest to my smallest enemy. like i said, i am soon to be eighteen. and i am damn right going to act like it, yes i am in drama. WHO THE HELL IS NOT. i won't sit there stupid like i am no surrounded by it, and yes it is a negative energy. but its a negative energy that i will no longer allow to touch me. i will thoroughly think things through, and progress forwards. into a future that shines bright for me and that is not full of questions and wonders. but full of answers and fufillment.
for the situations surrounding me right now, i know one of which i asked for, and two of which i can't wait til its over and done and its back to normal. i see a lot for me in the future, and i see a lot of which is coming for me in the future, and its...amazing. i now see what you see. i remember this one time we were on the phone, and you said "you gotta feel his energy to feel him there its..oh my god...amazing words can't explain". & iono if its exactly what you said...but within the last two weeks...i know he was with me. i love you & i thank you for everything you've done for me.
whether i have friends or acquaintances or just enemies or just simply my family. each and everyone of you have made me the person i am today. and i thank you so much.
the biggest thanks to my family, the friends of which i have today because you amaze me with your love each and everytime i see you guys and the one friend that which we argued most, but held on tightest and even if its just a 'fantasy' i see us in the future. and like you said "i wanna see you make it. so we can make it together. and we see each other at that finish line." and i told you "i'll see you there baby i promise." and if any promise that i've broken, thats one i intend to keep to myself and everyone else that pushes me everyday to be the better person that they know i can be.
my biggest gratitude to those that helped me most. and those who are and were in my life. for which not a day goes by i don't reminisce. (sp?) & think about all of those memories we shared.
[trying to be as NOT-corny as possible.]
"you gotta remember that you were friends before and nothing can replace what you had." - my sweetz
so with this all being said and done.
this is my place to find all that i have inside that i never knew.
this is my time to show what i must have always known.
that nothings impossible and dreams come true....
this is my time to shine.
i love you
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